So I've been having a hard time lately dealing with two massive fibromyalgia flares in 4-5 weeks as well as the daily issues with it, my crohns and my constant migraine.
Maybe it's because I am coming up to my (cough) 37th birthday next month or because of a form I had to fill in for social welfare going through daily tasks and how they are affected by my many ailments but it has gotten to me in my brain pan. (always the brown coat smile emoticon )
I've had crohns for 22 and 1/2 years so I am used to feeling pretty tired, unwell and nauseated but also being able to push through that.
Even with my contanst migraine on most days I can push through.
The fibromyalgia is totally another story.
There is no pushing through.
I know, I've been trying and it's a impenetrable wall that I have been smashing myself against for the last couple of years.
I cant do it anymore.
I guess I felt like I was giving in if I admitted I needed to rest etc because I have tried to not do that with my crohns.
My pain levels have been high lately but my exhaustion and lethargy have been beyond measurement bringing me to tears on more than one occasion. I'd have one OK day so try to do everything and then be fucked for 4 days after.
There is the spoon theory and various other ways of explaining what I needed to try sorted in my brain but none got in there.
Dave has helped me get that penny to finally drop.
He said " Imagine you have a tenner to last you the day. You get up and decide to have a lovely fry costing you €7.99. Then what about the rest of the day?"
I don't know why that made so much sense to me! Maybe because it was food related smile emoticon but I think it's helped my head a lot.
It's only been a couple of days since he said it but already I've made changes to my thinking.
I get up walk the dog then rest, clean up the house then rest. Its so simple I should have figured it out a long time ago and stopped beating myself up for things beyond my control.
Which is not to say I'm not still going to have "why me" days but that's human nature.
It isn't fair, it's bollocks but you know what?
Your only choice is to keep going, the alternative is missing out on those amazing moments in life, simple and astounding all at once.
The things that make you laugh so hard to want to cry, the sunsets, the hugs, the sloppy doggy kisses to name but a few.
Sorry for the essay and fairplay to those of you that read it!
XXxxXX