This isn't it, This isn't the life I wanted, for me, for us. The pain, the loneliness of constant pain. The aching in my chest for a life not lived Merely survived. Waking each morning it starts before I can open my eyes, Gnawing at my self worth, my fight being drained from me. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep breathing. In, out.
When you ask me how I am and I say "Ah the usual" or "Same old same old" I want you to know what I mean. I mean there is pain, there's always pain. From the moment I wake up till the time I fall into a restless sleep there is pain. And it's not just pain in one area it's everywhere, everything hurts but it's at a level where I can leave the house, go to the shops go to the gym, meet you for a drink etc without breaking down. That the fatigue isn't so bad that I can do nothing, I just need to pace myself.
When you asked me how I am and I say "today is a bad day" I want you to know what I mean. I mean there is pain and I can barely handle it. I mean I have probably cried already today and will again with frustration, anger, pain and exhaustion at the fact my own body does this to me for no reason. I want you to know I have wished for a switch to be able to just turn off everything; have imagined cutting off whatever limb is hurting the most. That due to the fatigue my husband has probably had to wash and dry my hair because I can't lift my arms. That I feel close to breaking point. This is what fibromyalgia is. What it does. It makes life a tightrope of wondering what tomorrow will be like, worrying about future family events because you don't know how you will be, being so fed up of feeling like shit but not wanting to be moaning all the time about it (or my crohns). It's sucks basically but at least now you know what I mean when I say "today is a bad day".
The moonlight gone from the skies tonight, An aching soul Three small words that hold such power now missing from the air, Silence abounds and surrounds. Distant stars disappear and drown in the midnight sea.