Sunday, May 20, 2018


Sometimes words have teeth and sometimes the silence is too loud,
Is it better to be in the stillness or the blizzard?
Alone, untethered
Floating into the abyss

Saturday, July 22, 2017


I fall asleep listening to the sounds of Jupiter 
The swirling ethereal winds surround me 
Sing to me a soft tune,
Wrap me in peaceful quiet in my head.
I envisage myself on the gassy surface floating, looking up
Into that swirling mess of the red spinning spot  
Beyond so many moons shine. 
My body heavy dragged down into the bed
Relaxing, giving in for once.
And sleep comes. 


When your heart lies heavy in your chest
Swinging from a string tied to your throat
Shrunken and pendulous 
Too heavy for its size
When that string pulls with every breath
Tightening in your throat hard to swallow  
Sending forth a quiet choked sob from your lips
Bite it down
When your eyes stare into a void
Never-ending nothingness 
Saltwater builds and blurs 
Steaming down your face
When your head throbs and swirls
With memories you'd rather forget
Thoughts your rather not have
Reminders of what you lose
Where do you go? 
What do you cling to?
What's left? 

Monday, May 22, 2017

Smoke and Mirrors.

Faces in the pavement
Whisper, you can't go back
Hurt can't be undone
Secrets can't be unknown. 
A thief has stolen my light
Scurried it away while my back was turned
Distracted by what I thought was real 
Smoke and mirrors. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017


A hammer to my chest,
Knocking feelings from my grasp. 
Words once said can't be returned; 
They flit around like moths in the darkness
Waiting for the tiniest crack of light to swarm. 
How to move when you can't see,
Feeling blindly in the black,
For a way, a hand hold. 

Thursday, April 27, 2017


Lull me to sleep
As I shake in the darkness
Pour love by starlight
Under shivering willows
And snowing cherry blossoms
Scented twilight
Sighing softly 
Memories of another time. 

Monday, January 23, 2017


This isn't it,
This isn't the life I wanted, for me, for us.
The pain, the loneliness of constant pain.
The aching in my chest for a life not lived
Merely survived.
Waking each morning it starts before I can open my eyes,
Gnawing at my self worth, my fight being drained from me.
Sometimes it's all I can do to keep breathing.
In, out.

Friday, January 20, 2017


I have frequent been with unknown minds,
Lost and silent though filled with words,
In silence they find no peace,
They fear its deafening stillness.

Friday, August 19, 2016


He sheds no tears. 
Doesn't seem to see the flurry of activity around him. 
He is five,
He is covered in dust and rubble;
And blood. 
It gets in his eyes,
he rubs it away
And still his face stays stoic,
Shell shocked. 
We see him on the screen and we weep and wail about the cost of war,
And the death toll rises while we do. 
And we watch.....

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

What I mean...

When you ask me how I am and I say "Ah the usual" or "Same old same old" I want you to know what I mean.
I mean there is pain, there's always pain. From the moment I wake up till the time I fall into a restless sleep there is pain. And it's not just pain in one area it's everywhere, everything hurts but it's at a level where I can leave the house, go to the shops go to the gym, meet you for a drink etc without breaking down. That the fatigue isn't so bad that I can do nothing, I just need to pace myself.
When you asked me how I am and I say "today is a bad day" I want you to know what I mean.
I mean there is pain and I can barely handle it. I mean I have probably cried already today and will again with frustration, anger, pain and exhaustion at the fact my own body does this to me for no reason. I want you to know I have wished for a switch to be able to just turn off everything; have imagined cutting off whatever limb is hurting the most. That due to the fatigue my husband has probably had to wash and dry my hair because I can't lift my arms. That I feel close to breaking point.
This is what fibromyalgia is. What it does. It makes life a tightrope of wondering what tomorrow will be like, worrying about future family events because you don't know how you will be, being so fed up of feeling like shit but not wanting to be moaning all the time about it (or my crohns).
It's sucks basically but at least now you know what I mean when I say "today is a bad day".